Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

-
I couldn't help it but to listen to 'HURT' on repeat mode, and I realised that no matter how much I hate my dad, deep inside I still love him very much despite the harshness he used on me every now and then.
I can't help reminiscing the days when my dad held me so tight like a precious gem, never wanna let me fall down and hurt myself, and making me look like a doll each time he wore this cute red beanie on my head.

I know he's disappointed in me.
I've changed so much till he didn't recognize me as his daughter anymore.
He was upset over the fact that I lied, drink, only coming home past midnight and much more.
Flunked my O's.
Not becoming a dutiful and religious daughter.

I spent the entire day crying in bed, accompanied by my loyal cat Joyah whose bulu never fails to fluff out to the max due to the extreme relaxation / cold.

I was near-death due to boredom and I found something which killed it.
Watched music videos from youtube.com with a STONED FACE;

1. "Come Back To Me"- Vanessa Hudgens
2. "Asmaradana"- Tiara Jacquelina (for old times' sake!)
3. SOME SPOOF SHOWS (compliments to HANNIE BUNNY!!)
4. "Before He Cheats"- Carrie Underwood
5. "Show Stopper"- Danity Kane

and I got particularly hyped-up when watching...........

6. "HURT"- CHRISTINA AGUILERA!

...and I suddenly cried and was sobbing hard for goodness sake!!!
You wanna know why?
Go and watch the video yourself.
(Just watch! Don't worry, the buffering is very fast.)



Have a good time shedding those little delicate beadies.

I was watching the music clip "BLOW" by Parking Lot Pimp.
And it brought back great memories.
Terutama AMIRA BINTE NASIR!

I could still remember how that girl got me hooked to that catchy song and then repeatedly scream 'BLOW!' 'BLOW!' 'BLOW!' to my face each time she got into her irritating mood.

Though irritating, surprisingly I didn't 'BLOW!' my top.

..And few days later we kept screaming 'BLOW!' to each other's faces.

-

Go and 'BLOW!' now. (Just watch, don't worry, the buffering is very fast.)

And by the way Hannie just adopted the new nickname I've been calling her;
HANNIE BUNNY!

Yesterday night, I received the most shocking news of my life.
A friend of mine passed away in a car accident.
So I went to read the obituaries section at Berita Harian.
And my eyes darted to the page below and saw this youthful face.
"SARAH BTE MOHD SALLEH"
"UMUR: 19"
I gasped. The name was so familiar, and it was indeed her age.
I looked at her face again, masih similar.
Her eyebrow yang fierce and her thick lips.
Astaghfirullah.

She died in a car accident at AYE expressway exiting from West Coast to Jurong.
Apparently she was sitting at the backseat with a guy in his late teens.
And also a guy in his 20s who is driving a car.
It was 6.40am.
And the driver lost control of the car.
BOOM. The car crashed.
Suprisingly, she's the only one who died.
The rest escaped with minor injuries.
Weird eh?

Mom told me, she must have been a wild child.
And the reason God took her away was because she might have brought misery to her parents or her love ones, so to avoid more misery in the later life, He took her away.
Technically, an azab. Or balasan dalam dunia.
If that is not so, why is she the only one who died?
God knows whether she would have died dalam keadaan maksiat, cos who the hell would go out at 6.40 am in the morning.
It might be that she just went back from clubbing.
And sitting with her boyfriend in the car?
Need I say more?
In a car crash like that, others would have died too.

Apparently when BH crew went to visit her house,
nobody was at home. Cos her parents were working.
And when they tried again the next day,
there was no luck.

To think back,
it may be true.
MAY.
But despite her rowdy ways, she is a nice person.
She helped me in so many ways.
One distinctive feature about her is her prominent eyes , besides her eyebrow fierce and neatly-tied up hair.
And she loved wearing miniskirts.

I pondered back.
What if I died the same way as hers?
Maybe I died dalam keadaan maksiat?
I died even before I have time to repent?
Azab kubur, masya allah.
Just the thought of it sends chills down my spine.

I have to repent, now.

Innalilah. May Allah cucuri rahmat ke atas rohnya.

How come I still feel like a complete hopeless pathetic idiotic freak even though I had already studied for my papers.....?

Maybe it's due to the constructive criticisms that I have been receiving constantly so far.
Anyway, I was nearly kicked out from the exam hall today cos I was caught wearing slippers.
And I really mean SLIPPERS- not the beautifully sequinned ones but the one you wear to go to the market with.
Then the invigilator asked whether this (maths paper 2) is going to be my last paper.
And I lied while nodding my head.
If I denied I would obviously have been exempted from doing the paper.
Why are they so biased? There are like hell lot more of other candidates coming in with slippers!!!
Aidil wore this checkered top AND SHORTS AND SLIPPERS! (dok sorry k if you are reading this, HAHHAAA)
And other ah bengs wearing slippers.
How come I'm only the one kena caught.
This is so freaking cb.

Liar liar pants on fire.

Quite technically, my papers are over. But I'm just not in the mood to celebrate. Was contemplating to just work after I get my results, cos I already kinda lost interest to study further.

I had accidentally abandoned this blog for almost 2 weeks? Eh?
A series of things happened. Bad. I'm being punished now, you know?
My right wrist is slightly dislocated, I think? Cos it feels like , being hammered each time I try to move it.
I'm typing using 10 fingers and 1 wrist. Can you believe that I'm actually rising my right arm to minimise the pain?

I hate my life now. I'm faking a calm facade. But do you know how much misery I'm suffering inide?
No I don't intend to sound so emo here, but look, I can't help it.
It's not that often you read about it right.
So I'm sorry. I don't want to sound very typical, but I really mean it when I say that my life sucks now.

O levels. I can't help but to brood over my papers.
I couldn't focus.
I was exhausted- mentally, physically and emotionally.
Ended up sleeping through my papers while others are furiously writing, covering almost 3/4 of the initially white papers with dark ink.
Normally I have two papers in one day, each of a different timing.
Like one in the morning, and the next in the afternoon.
During the long intermission I find a quiet place somewhere to sleep again, before realising that it was already 15 minutes to the next paper.
And that was when it struck to me that I was late, and I ended up losing at least 15 minutes for the duration of my paper.

What happened next is such a bore.
Had to head home and get scolded by either parent.
If not mom, it'll be dad. And it's harsher.
Sometimes I ended up with tears rolling down my cheeks and slit my wrist.
Or other else just cry myself to sleep till tomorrow.

It has been continuing for some time now.
I'm gradually losing interest in things that I used to love to do.
Like, going out, meeting up with my best girls.
Going online, listening to songs, watch MTV the whole day.
There was bound to be something that I anticipate.
But now, no more.
The interest just faded.
Nevertheless my interest towards Pretty Children and Hero Bacin never did.
Cos my current situation is my main hindrance to meet them.

Sometimes I wish life is like what it used to be.
I longed for the joy of going out with her, the craziness and the hyperness.
And I missed the times we camwhored using her huge digital camera, which I knew she bought a new slick one recently.
I longed for the happiness we feel when we were together.
The love we had for each other.
The patience, the care, and the concern.
Friendship built since the first day she sat beside me in band room, constantly peeking into my band theory book.
Ever since that, my eyes never got off her.
She caught my attention since then.
Lately, reading her blog gives me this sinking feeling.
She is already leading a happy life, surrounded by a new best friend and her beloved significant other who are there for her, each time she needs one.
Someone she knew will be there for her at the best of times.
I'm sorry I couldn't do so.
I used to, and I couldn't provide a satisfactory reason why I couldn't do so now.
I never want to ask you to understand my situation now,
it will show you that I'm selfish, and self-centered.

And to the other one,
that girl whom I see myself in her,
who is my mirror,
I can't help but missing you so bad.
The times we had.
The moments we shared.
Good or bad, you went through it all with me.
That girl who I came running to when I felt scared, and helpless.
The one who comforted me with all her words.
I wished I could be there for her ALL THE TIME.
I know how it felt to be rejected.
And turned down at.
Disappointment.
I love you girl, I really do.

If only time gives me more space and opportunity, I will savour every minute of it with pure joy and happiness.

Dad had confiscated my phone.
And robbed my freedom.
No more going out.
My life is confined at home.
Housework. Housework. Housework.
Wtf, am I a robot in their eyes?
plaguing me with all the bloody housework in the world.
I mean, come on, not that I don't wanna do them.
But I don't get any appreciation at all.
In the end, I got more scoldings for not doing more.
But I've tried my best.

Dad claimed that he read my blog.
I doubt he really did.
I'm not stupid.
He don't even know my link here.
He never reads my blog.
Cos he don't know and I can't believe he had to lie.
Such a contradicting allegation cos he always accused me for lying.

On the other hand,
I wanted to just kneel down to my parents and apologize for my wrongdoings.
But I let my pride get in my way.
And I thought I'll feel embarassed for doing so.
And I'm feeling this overwhelming ego in me.
Cos I know I'll cry and it will make me look pathetic.
And also make me look weaker than I already am.

There goes my life again.
At this point of time it's best to run away.
And never come back.