Chequie,

I made another record-breaking event:
"I didn't go out today."

Pretty weird eh. Usually the moment I wake up, there will be this automatic message in my brain reminding me of where I will be going for that particular day, including the number of minutes I should take my shower, put on my clothes and groom before getting my bum out from the house. But today was different. I was set to laze at home for the whole day.

Called Amira up and we conferenced with Qamal. They invited me to go to the movies with them to watch King Kong but I have to decline, partly because my dad isn't working today, and plus, I just got the feeling that I shouldn't step out from the house today for unknown reasons. So for the next few hours I was so occupied with my sister's book and lazed around next to granny.

And then another call in the afternoon, that totally changed my perception of somebody.

I broke down and cried. I wanted to talk to somebody instantaneously in the house, but obviously, no one. I am not on talking terms with mom and dad, and certainly not my granny cos she's the strictest momma unknown to humanity. So I called up my sister who was at work. But before that I was trying hard to sound nonchalant. So I was greeted by her muffled voice- sheesh, she's at office!- and I just let it out, but at that time I was trying hard not to cry again because my voice will sound squeaky and it will totally embarass me- everyone knows Mariyanah, she don't like to cry infrontof any human presence, it will shatter her ego- But alas I did. She was comforting me and giving me advices. Damn it made me feel better. I should roll out the red carpet the moment she gets back home later.

Well, I simply don't wanna brood over what had happened, so I shall remain at peace now.

I desperately wanna work out. In the gym, pool, stadium, whatever. My tummy isn't the flat land like it used to be (BRAGGING ALERT!) anymore. It looks like there's a basketball stucked in the tummy- okay this is a bit of an exaggeration here-. Just put it in simple summary, my tummy is growing big (Alert: NO growing foetus inside!) I think I shall do crunches, a workout that I really LOATH because it's so nerve-wrecking. But due to the desperate aim to have the flatness back, I shall do that. And maybe I should do something to my skinny arms. Even if I flex it, the lines of my arms remain parallel. I want a bit of bumps there. Carry weights? OMG. *cringes* BUT IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN? So I shall carry my Baby Bro with one arm everyday. He must weigh less than 10kg, I suppose. On the other hand, I'm gonna start working out.

HOLD IT. If at this time you're concluding that I'm going through the phases of aneroxia, I'M GONNA SMACK YOUR ASS. I'm stick-thin. The mirror proves it correctly to me because I like standing infrontof the mirror stark naked to see how small the width of my body without being deceited by any fabric. I'm not aneroxic, you half-wit.

Holy cow. I'm having my period for the 2nd time in one month. This irregularity had stopped few months ago, but why this sudden comeback? Well, I think my body has went equally insane as me.

Anyway, just something to rant now, this is directed to someone:

"You make insensible comments about my time spent with my friends. You over-exaggerate every microscopic details and even added BULLSHIT, CRAP AND NONSENSICAL COMMENTS to your PETTY complaints. "I rather die than being emotionally tortured this way.." "Leave me if you want to carry on with this kind of attitude" "I am so stressed with you that I fell sick" "You abandon me alone." and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don't buy those kind of exaggerated comments. You think you can guilt-talk me but instead I find your childish rantings LAME and I'm even growing SICK of it. What do you take me as? PUPPET? Somebody whom you think you should lock at home? I have my OWN LIFE, I'm trying to grow as a PERSON, but YOU think I should STICKWITHYOU for 84950723047530927540062435 hours. YOU WANT ME TO DISCARD MY FRIENDS. HELL NO. I have MOREEEE friends than you. I LOVE MY FRIENDS. Who the fucking hell are you to restrict me from going out with my friends. Each time I go out with either of them, you'll go complaining and say that I prioritised my friends MORE than you and you say you will feel LEFT OUT when the fact is that YOU'RE JUST BEING PLAIN CHILDISH AND WHAT'S MORE, OVER-POSSESIVE. Yes you OVER-POSSESIVE, CONTROLLING, SELF-DOMINANT FREAK. Once again I would like to emphasise on how OVER-POSSESIVE you are. I know that indirectly, you won't let me have friends at all. NO I WON'T LISTEN TO YOU. I would love to stress that I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE. I know you will beep me later and say, "You want to lead your own life so much right, now go ahead and don't talk to me anymore." CONFIRM, 100% GUARANTEE you will say that. You're just so predictable. Don't you think you're so fucking petty and childish, and worse, NARROW-MINDED? Of course, if you beep my phone and say the same exact thing, I will LAUGH hysterically and just delete your worthless message. Now you think I'm cruel? Of course not. I'm NEVER cruel. You're not my husband or whatever. You're just fathering me, and don't you know that your attitude is WORST than my father? I'm not going to let go of my social life just like that just because you think I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME WITH MY FRIENDS when the fact is I NEVER DID. You tried so hard to seek my attention by exaggerating and exaggerating, psycho-ing me to abandon my friends and guilt-talking me, all that shit, asking for sympathy but NO, I'm not sympathetic enough to pity you. I DON'T LIKE TO BE CONTROLLED. I'm NOT a robot for you to programme. WHATEVER. You may be my other half but that doesn't mean that you can completely control my life. My life is mine. Yours is yours. I've never even asked you to discard your friends, and now you want a similar retribution from me? Who the fucking idiotic hell ask you to abandon your friends? You expect the same treatment from me also but guess what? My list of friends are growing. You told me that you DON'T LIKE my camp friends, but indeed you don't like ANY OF MY FRIENDS. Bullshitting. I've been restricted enough by my parents and I would appreciate it if YOU DON'T WORSEN THE SITUATION. I don't need any more people to load another burden on my shoulders and restrict me further to do any more things. But YOU just did. In the latest encounter you FOLLOWED my tactic and backfired everything, you tried to conceal your MISTAKES by guilt-talking me even further, but I should remind you once more that I HAVE BRAINS. You backfire the situation by telling me not to contact you anymore until I finally realise how important you are a top from my friends. HELL, you think I would break down and cry while reading the message but for fuck's sake, I DIDN'T. I felt NOTHING. I won't TALK, SPEAK, CONTACT you till the end of my life until you finally put yourself in my shoes and understand my commitments with my friends as well as my outside projects. I'm not being egotistical here, IT'S YOU. Once again I shall not be bothered by your petty ramblings anymore because I'm growing SIIICCCKKKKKKKK and TIREEDDD of this! It BORES me so much, do you know that? I shall just keep quiet and give you ALL the space to brood, cry, complain, bang your head against the wall and rant more with your childish comments until you finally GROW UP to become a normal person with what-you-call-that, oh, BRAINS! Right now I shall not BOTHER YOUUUUUUU. HAVE FUN meddling with your life, doesn't your cousins evolve around you?"

So before you shoot more craps to me with all your what-you-suppose-is-true but SHIT after you read this honest claims of mine, YOU BETTER THINK TWICE.

jammingjammingjammingjammingjamming


Your smile sets my soul on fire.